Tigers don't have fists

I am not really sure what brought along the topic of “I’m pretty sure I can kill a tiger with my bare hands” but it has been an ongoing argument my wife and I have had for some time now. Well, actually I am pretty sure that it was 1 part supplement induced levels of testosterone, and 1 part Scotch and coke combined with the media choking “Life of Pi” commercials down my retinas 30 times a minute. I have never, nor will never watch the movie, but I assume after seeing the skinny Arab dude stuck in the spacial sea equivalent of a floating porta-potty that he dies gruesomely from the tiger. This exchange between the wife and I sparked this gem of a conversation 

“ FUCK THAT STRIPEY TONY THE TIGER LOOK ALIKE! Pretty fucken sure that I could fuck that tiger up with my bare hands. Yep. Literally I could punch it to death, or at least take it out with a solid roundhouse to his tiger jugular.”

“Sebastian, no. Tigers weigh like 300 pounds and would rip your face off if it saw you.”

“A) I am more than certain that a full grown male tiger weighs around 600 pounds. B) Tigers don’t have fists. C) My strategy is pretty solid, which would include hiding in a tree until his bright orange ass walks by and I latch onto his back and bash it in the head with my tomahawk and in its confused state I deliver a killing blow to its furry fucken face, “Norris style”.

                

         Apparently she saw some holes in my strategy and stated “facts” like tigers are flexible and would scratch me off its back easier than an albino getting a sunburn, or that hitting it with a tomahawk doesn’t count as killing it with my “bare hands”. I dismiss her evidence as a lack of faith in my manliness and walk around the living room shirtless with my Scotch on the rocks, letting out obnoxious grunts and whip out my compound bow to deliver some street justice to the neighborhood squirrels. Ten minutes and a broken arrow later, I come back in with my manliness levels refreshed, just in time to see that stupid fucking commercial of that dildo stuck in a boat with a tiger, and thinking that “yep, I would FUCK. THAT. TIGER. UP.”